Written by the UC Sketch Follies (2014-2015)
Three girls sit at a table, looking at the menu.
Ladies, what a great 90-min spin!
Liza was a tyrant today!
But, I love her. She’s the best spinstructor in the Bay Area.
It’s such a treat to be taking this 6-week lifestyle transformation program! We never get to see each other anymore.
My almost-fiancé and I have been house-hunting, it's just so hard
to make time!
I’m so hungry. Those burgers are so tempting today.
I know! I’m starved but it’s Day 17 and so far, we’ve all kept each other accountable.
Girls we’ve been doing so well. Honestly, just get some protein in those greens - it will fill you right up!
Waiter comes to take their orders.
What can I get you girls?
(turn to GIRL 1)
Why don’t you just have the Cobb Salad.
Great call. Hold the blue cheese and the
carrots. Triple the kale. Slice the
onions. And, lay four evenly-sized
dill pickles on the side, please.
WAITER writes it down
Yeah and I'll have the Greek Salad. Hang up
the feta. Orchestrate a bed of
romaine and baby arugula lettuce
only, divided by cubes of tomato
and cucumber benches. Sprinkle
fresh pepper and toss in
some heart of palm, but, please, do not get
ahead of yourself. Only a few like
you're kissing your sweet, sweet
mom on the lips. [she winks]
Ooh! I almost forgot. I would
absolutely adore some fresh asparagus's... asparagii crushed and misted over my salad. To be clear, I do not want solid asapargews included in the salad, I would like the essence of an asparagus to be present in the dish.
Yes and sir, please make sure
absolutely no individual part of my
salad is touching another. For
instance, let's picture an
organized garden of fresh
vegetables as a metaphor for my
salad. You enter the garden, it's a
beaming summer day, but oh no! A
rabbit has entered the garden.
Kelly mimes entering a garden
You knew you should have insisted that
Paul fix that rabbit hole in the
Celeste mimes being a rabbit
The garden is a mess,
carrots lay amidst the green
romaine and the icebergs have now
interacted with your radicchio. Do
not let the rabbit into my salad.
Kelly and Celeste mime the scene
See the rabbit
Kill the rabbit
Become the rabbit
Kiss your rabbit wife on the mouth.
This is your life now,
(looks at Waiter's name tag),
Kelly and Celeste return to their seats
I actually think I’m going to have the caesar.
I don’t know if that’s a good idea...
Ceasar is so fatty.
Don’t worry, ladies.
I'm going to need you to hold the
caesar dressing, the croutons, the chicken and the lettuce. Tap em' out, get a new plate. Enter: chickpeas, normal peas, wasabi peas rinsed and strained so one can no longer taste the wasabi or the peas, diced organic smoked ham, dried grapes - but not too dry, no raisins - 18 grams of asiago cheese shaped into small stars by the hands of a virgin male nurse and, you know what, Jordan, why don't you go ahead and throw those croutons back in.
Oooooh you should add in... Oh, what am I
thinking of? Chia seeds? No.
No... Pistachios? No.
OH yes, could I please get one
pumpkin on the side, a small knife
and a template to carve a festive
Please also add to my order: a
single sunflower seed doused in
lemon juice and some basil.
I'm sorry, I actually forgot to tell you about our specials. Maybe you want to get them on the side? Our extra large poutine fried in cream cheese sprinkled with krispy kreme donuts with a corner store beef jerky reduction baked in cinnabon. This is our special called Im a weak little piggy and its 95% OFF TODAY!
All the girls look at each other confused, shaking their heads.
Oh, I’m sorry we’re actually on a 42-day meal plan… *whispers*
She means, we’re in a committed relash- with salads ...we’re not allowed..
JEMIMA and CELESTE start agreeing at the same time, mumbling
I'm so sorry, I can't hear you.
We’re fine. We’ll just take five… that’s all…
I’m sorry, are you changing your order?
No…. no… no…
So, to be clear--
Five poutines each.
Speaking at the same time
On mine I would like triple the serving of
Seven hamburgers stacked on top of each
Okay got it. And just one more thing, we like to have a little fun with this promotional deal so I am going to need you to say our promotion code “I’m a little piggy oink oink”
I’m a little piggy oink oink…
I’m a little piggy, OINK OINK OINK.
And it does come with a side. Would you like fries or salad?