UC Sketch Follies' SALAD

Written by the UC Sketch Follies (2014-2015)

 



Salad

Cast:

JEMIMA

CELESTE

KELLY

WAITER

 

Three girls sit at a table, looking at the menu.

 

Ladies, what a great 90-min spin!

 

JEMIMA

Liza was a tyrant today!

 

CELESTE

But, I love her. She’s the best spinstructor in the Bay Area.

 

KELLY

It’s such a treat to be taking this 6-week lifestyle transformation program! We never get to see each other anymore.

 

JEMIMA

My almost-fiancé and I have been house-hunting, it's just so hard

to make time!

 

KELLY

I’m so hungry. Those burgers are so tempting today.

 

CELESTE

I know! I’m starved but it’s Day 17 and so far, we’ve all kept each other accountable.

 

JEMIMA

Girls we’ve been doing so well. Honestly, just get some protein in those greens - it will fill you right up!

 

Waiter comes to take their orders.

 

SAM

What can I get you girls?

 

CELESTE

(turn to GIRL 1)

Why don’t you just have the Cobb Salad.

 

 

 

KELLY

(to waiter)

Great call. Hold the blue cheese and the

carrots. Triple the kale. Slice the

onions. And, lay four evenly-sized

dill pickles on the side, please.

 

WAITER writes it down

JEMIMA

Yeah and I'll have the Greek Salad. Hang up

the feta. Orchestrate a bed of

romaine and baby arugula lettuce

only, divided by cubes of tomato

and cucumber benches. Sprinkle

fresh pepper and toss in

some heart of palm, but, please, do not get

ahead of yourself. Only a few like

you're kissing your sweet, sweet

mom on the lips. [she winks]

 

KELLY

Ooh! I almost forgot. I would

absolutely adore some fresh asparagus's... asparagii crushed and misted over my salad. To be clear, I do not want solid asapargews included in the salad, I would like the essence of an asparagus to be present in the dish.

JEMIMA

Yes and sir, please make sure

absolutely no individual part of my

salad is touching another. For

instance, let's picture an

organized garden of fresh

vegetables as a metaphor for my

salad. You enter the garden, it's a

beaming summer day, but oh no! A

rabbit has entered the garden.

Kelly mimes entering a garden

You knew you should have insisted that

Paul fix that rabbit hole in the

fence.

Celeste mimes being a rabbit

The garden is a mess,

carrots lay amidst the green

romaine and the icebergs have now

interacted with your radicchio. Do

not let the rabbit into my salad.

Kelly and Celeste mime the scene

See the rabbit

Kill the rabbit

Become the rabbit

Kiss your rabbit wife on the mouth.

This is your life now,

(looks at Waiter's name tag),

Jordan.

 

Kelly and Celeste return to their seats

 

WAITER

And, you?

 

CELESTE

I actually think I’m going to have the caesar.

 

KELLY

I don’t know if that’s a good idea...

 

JEMIMA

Ceasar is so fatty.

 

CELESTE

Don’t worry, ladies.

I'm going to need you to hold the

caesar dressing, the croutons, the chicken and the lettuce. Tap em' out, get a new plate. Enter: chickpeas, normal peas, wasabi peas rinsed and strained so one can no longer taste the wasabi or the peas, diced organic smoked ham, dried grapes - but not too dry, no raisins - 18 grams of asiago cheese shaped into small stars by the hands of a virgin male nurse and, you know what, Jordan, why don't you go ahead and throw those croutons back in.

KELLY

Oooooh you should add in... Oh, what am I

thinking of? Chia seeds? No.

 

JEMIMA

Flax seeds?

 

KELLY

No... Pistachios? No.

 

JEMIMA

Pumpkin seeds!

 

KELLY

Yes! Pumpkin!

 

CELESTE

OH yes, could I please get one

pumpkin on the side, a small knife

and a template to carve a festive

face.

 

JEMIMA

Please also add to my order: a

single sunflower seed doused in

lemon juice and some basil.

 

WAITER

I'm sorry, I actually forgot to tell you about our specials. Maybe you want to get them on the side? Our extra large poutine fried in cream cheese sprinkled with krispy kreme donuts with a corner store beef jerky reduction baked in cinnabon. This is our special called Im a weak little piggy and its 95% OFF TODAY!

 

All the girls look at each other confused, shaking their heads.

 

JEMIMA

Oh, I’m sorry we’re actually on a 42-day meal plan… *whispers*

 

WAITER

Pardon?

 

KELLY

She means, we’re in a committed relash- with salads ...we’re not allowed..

 

JEMIMA and CELESTE start agreeing at the same time, mumbling

 

WAITER

I'm so sorry, I can't hear you.

 

CELESTE

We’re fine. We’ll just take five… that’s all… 

 

WAITER

I’m sorry, are you changing your order?

 

ALL GIRLS

No…. no… no…

 

WAITER

So, to be clear--

 

CELESTE

Five poutines each.

 

Speaking at the same time

JEMIMA

On mine I would like triple the serving of

butter ...

KELLY

Seven hamburgers stacked on top of each

other…

WAITER

Okay got it. And just one more thing, we like to have a little fun with this promotional deal so I am going to need you to say our promotion code “I’m a little piggy oink oink”

 

EVERYONE

I’m a little piggy oink oink…

 

WAITER

Louder, piggies!

 

EVERYONE

I’m a little piggy, OINK OINK OINK. 

 

WAITER

And it does come with a side. Would you like fries or salad?

 

EVERYONE

in unison

FRIES, Jordan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

BLACKOUT